three dreadful things

i haven't had a deep sleep since last week. always, at about 3 am, my consciousness elevates to near-wakedness before diving back to a dream-filled slumber. the dreams are always about people talking without their mouths moving. but for about a minute of this near-wakedness state, i scare myself by thinking of things i'm afraid of. not about the black gob of hovering incubi that fester me (i have managed to exorcise them long time ago), but about the monsters i keep beneath my skin.

a thorough analysis of my past, present and projected relationships and behavior has made me conclude that i am afraid of three things:

1. defined existence

i am afraid of the long, sure line to living my life. i hate

having to follow some concrete plan although i love to

scheme. i want bends in my path, potholes where rain water

may gather and when the sun dries them up, cracks to grow;

this got me to understand why i don't really feel guilty

coming late to a casual lunch or some boring grad school

lecture, or work even. i tried punctuality on a day to day

but i found that losing my nonchalance about the mundane of

the world is not worth a few more minutes in

bed.

2. compromises

i am mostly angered than afraid when i have to compromise.

i believe that i am never without a choice. to compromise is

a sign of weakness or stupidity. only the stupid or the

weak do compromise. and i sometimes fall under either of the

two. and it scares me that adulthood is teaching me that to

compromise is essential and all the world is all for it. i

can never understand the concept of the win-win scenario.

dude, when you lose some and gain

some, you haven't really tasted victory at all.

3. long-term contracts

somebody would have to tie me naked on a tree first

and threaten me with a slow painful death from ant bites

and sulfuric acid to get me to do things over and over. but

even then, i'd prefer brain death over compromise. thus, while

i can conceptualize, launch and stage something, i cannot

do sustaining with as much enthusiasm. in this, i may have

have found that shining bulb that illumines the real truth

about the lack of long-term romantic relationships in my

life. i get bored too easily. i do have some great loves and

they would forever be engraved in my being but romance fades

for me.

and for these three reasons, i am convinced that i am doomed to a single, chaotic, near-crazy existence. not too bad really.