warning! BREACHED PROTOCOL

when love comes knocking, you unbolt the door, let it in and then run away, as fast as you can.

this is the most convenient way of dealing with realities like love. realities that inconvenience other realities. well, at least, my friend ennui would say (as i imagine), that love is real for me.

i woke up early yesterday to so many signs of an impending knocking on the door. for seven months now, i've known the other side of the door was not empty. someone, with a closed fist would rap so softly, making a raptitapritap sound, almost like a heart beating-constricted by a lack of air.

and then last night, the knocking came.
and to my surprise and horror, i breached protocol. i opened the door. am now lingering, entertaining with a cup of brewed strong coffee.

this time around

got a call from an old friend last night. and for the first time in the six or so years that i've known him, i actually enjoyed our conversation. the last time we talked was more than a year ago and although i can still sum up the whole talk in the same way it has always been, last night was quite different.

we'd always begin with "how are you?", glad to hear your voice again. and then i'd ask, so how's the novel going? and he'd start talking about how fickle the mind is, how the littlest detail of the afternoon can conjure stories and thus ruin a carefully-laid out story line. and then onto movies and actors and directors with weird foreign names.

he used to read me pages off a book he happened to think would inspire me or send me e-mail of articles on films and art. i used to think that he only liked to talk about himself, what he liked, what he dreamed of.

the conversation was the same but somehow, without the pre-conceived notion that he should be interested in the litttlest i do or say, or that he should be inspired by me, i see his intentions clearly. he wants me to explore his life and see for myself what is there to like or love.

we are good friends now. and sometimes he'd just send me lines and i'd respond and we'd create a poem with contrasting emotions but one thought. is he my soulmate? i don't think so. i believe though that we were meant to meet. and i'm glad that in the bends of our separate roads, we sit and think that we have each other to finish each other's lines.

and in the beginning was a choice...

we can always choose to be who we want to be or should be. even choose how we remember ourselves to be. it's all about choices. ketchup or mustard. with onions or without. and although we can believe and live a life adhering to the principle that we are never without a choice we find that it's not just about choosing one over the other. or not choosing at all. life is tricky. the mind is tricky. it can believe whatever it wants. want whatever is there to want or want what is lacking.
sometimes it's about changing perspectives to be given a new set of choices. yes, choices are given. circumstances, chances, fate, whatever you may prefer, all happen to us. it's deciding which to take or leave or ignore that happens inwardly- we have control over.
we always have a choice. and only the brave embrace this truth. and truth of course is relative. or you can choose to believe otherwise and embark on a journey to search for the absolute.

what now?!

it's a new year and i'm soon celebrating my birthday. the earth is getting older and so am i. i'm thinking that maybe it's time for some major turns in my life. i have a knack for melodrama so don't be surprised that major here may not necessarily be as expected. nonetheless, i'll call them major changes. so here are the major changes effective new year's eve:

1. will wake up at dawn. except on weekends when i can still sleep till almost noon.
2. the above prerequisite makes it possible for me to get to work atleast an hour early. this means of course, when i walk from the train station to my building, the air is still cool and the sun is kinder. i can still have my coffee without being frantic.
3. i will consciously remind myself not to frown.
4. and eat more fish. omega3 present in fish oil is good for the heart. i have a feeling i'm in for some major heartbreaks.

(as i write this, i'm wishing with all my might that i could actually survive the first few weeks. the old self is hard to drown out.)