when all that's left is waiting for ego boosts

with one leg propped up, headphones blasting toad the wet sprocket's "all i want" (and the air outisde so soft... confessing everything... all i want is to feel this way...) i do nothing, except write down random thoughts. holy kettle corn (no butter, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, no MSG, but high in fiber!) and san mig coffee extra song (sugarfree) make great combination. who would have thought?

the label on the bag of the holy kettle corn says, ingredients: imported corn that becomes round when popped (as opposed to local corn that becomes otherwise?), natural sugar that is sweet (oh yeah?), natural salt that is not sweet (because other salts are kinda sweet. really.), and oil that does not mix well with water (aha! chem 101). and holy kettle corn is also hand popped fresh everyday (i'm lost here. how is that? hand popped?). but darn it! this popcorn is addictive. in just two paragraphs, i'm halfway through the bag. ugh. atleast it's high in fiber...

i'm going to miss my little corner in this giant of a company. i'm gonna miss how 1980's everything here is. the furniture, my big arm chair, the carpet, the carpeted walls (achoo! sniff. sniff.), how i'm facing a wall- my back to the rest of the office, the clutter of my drawers and cabinets, how decades old files cling to the present, how people here are so backward (bye suckers!).

how i love recieving sms and emails from my account- asking "what the fuck was i thinking- leaving this giant of a company!?" i just tell them i'm crazy. well, actually, they are all happy for me. sad for themselves. in the words of one general manager, "we're losing a jewel," or something to that effect. if every word spoken or sent to me was air, i'd be a super inflated hot air balloon.

so, today i saw this two bedroom condo unit perfect for transience and me. we are planning to move out together. if i only have an extra kidney to sell. the other one is slotted for europe 2007 and the other one is well, of course for me. i can't very well travel europe hooked to a dialysis machine, can i? and i can't also sell a cornea because i need both to drive.

yes, i'm driving! it may come as a shock to most people but here in my country, there are many like me, in mid 20's learning to drive just now. so, yeah. a lot of many firsts happening to me all at the same time. so good luck to me. i don't believe in luck.

swerving

in two weeks i will be moving to another company. i am sill amazed how fast i made the decision, how it was all my own.

what amazes me more is how it proves my inability to stick to a lifetime commitment. things are really going well for me here but when i fast track to 20 years and see that i would be doing the same things, i drown in fear. i cannot keep going in this one way lane wihout suffering from anuerism. and yeah, we will be the greatest food, beverage and packaging conglomerate in the Asia Pacific Region. but see me waving as i take a 90 degree turn at the curb. exhiliration comes with the thought of throwing away my retirement package.

the hardest to leave are people. when you've been doing internal PR campaigns to advocate things-like sense of family, synergies, and all those mushy crap- you get eaten alive by your own words. i have started to believe my own spins.

time to move on. and how ironic it is how the past four years and a half of me pretending to be a grown up bundle up and create this heaving, mentally taxing separation anxiety.

the decision to leave was easy to make. now comes the reality of it all.