don't fuck with me

when you finally see i've moved on, i want your knees to weaken. so weak you have to sit and wonder why your hands start to shake, sweat profusely.
when you see there's not even a trace of recognition in the way i look at you, i want you to hurt like a quiver of arrows pierced your body through and through.
when i no longer love you, i want you to die a thousand deaths. and each resurrection a mockery of your very existence.
when i smile again, i want you to sob like an urchin suffering perpetual pangs of hunger.
when i speak to you with genuine joy in my eyes, i want you to feel abandoned at the bottom of a well- the pit of your sorry life.
when i dance again to faery music, i want you to want me so bad that air cannot fill your lungs fast enough - breath poison curdling in your veins.
when i say goodbye, i want you to never forget. even my slightest touch you'd remember and never again would you sleep without seeing my face, tasting me in your mouth.
you will love me harder than you think, worse than you fear, longer than your life.

a long walk back

she caught up to me, panting. her cheeks blotched from the sprint.
"i changed my mind," she said, "i'd walk with you."
i smiled.
"want me to carry some of your books?"
"no. it's ok."
the street was quiet. the kids had already been fetched up and the bus just rounded the bend.
"it's gonna rain soon. your dad may not like to see you go home soaked."
"they always treat me like i'm still their baby. i hate it."

we walked, pleated checkered white and green skirts clinging to legs. black shoes, white socks, white shirtjack, dark sky, green grass, white cogon flowers.

thin drops of rain fell. i looked at her. she was looking up at the sky.
"you knew it's gonna rain. why did you want to walk home?"
"i love taking walks. my mind wanders free. besides the air smells cleaner when it rains."
i stretched out my arms. "see? free!" and laughing we ran for the nearest shed.

in those times love came easy- in the tear-shaped drops of rain, in the laughter blown by the wind, in the rustling bamboo leaves.

last summer i went back to that childhood place of ours. many years have passed and too many things have come between us. i stood at the head of the long, winding sidewalk, where she caught me that day. i stared and tried to see
pleated white and green checkered skirt clinging to legs, white socks, black shoes, green grass, white cogon flowers. the bamboo trees across the first bend on the road looked the same, the trees lining the sidewalk, even the sky and the sea smells and the silence of the late afternoon.

i turned back and decided to take the bus.
somethings cannot be brought back.

chakap lah

the sun lingers a little longer in shah alam, and everything is suspended in their brightest colors. the crescent moons atop each spire of the turquoise mosque shine as if it were their light to give. the naseh goreng is heavy in my belly and the chili is still biting my tongue. i miss the soft sheets and fluffy pillows of Hilton in Petaling Jaya. Concorde fails in comparison but the night is going to be beautiful, i can almost forget i haven't heard from my moi in days.

last night, i fell in love with the Petronas in kuala lumpur. it's amazing how something so familiar can still be surprisingly breathtaking, as if i've had no knowledge of its being before.

i remember a friend once told me that it is moments like this, having a hotel room to yourself, a beautiful city glittering outside your window, that heightens solitude. it's amazing how he is so right.

the night is going to beautiful.

instant playback

he asked if he could borrow my video cam. i said sure. and taught him how to use it. there were many people in the room, friends, families, his wife. and the way we stood so close together must have told them something about us. but they were quiet, lenient with us.

but still i couldn't look him in the eye. i touched his arm, joked and made him smile, but not look into his eyes. and he was worse. he just stood there looking at my hand pressing the buttons, doing this and that. my words lost in things not said.

we were standing too close. and i felt we recreated a world, a space, a crack in the real here and now where for a split second we could be possible.

i wanted to tell him to take very good care of my Sony. that i lost one toe nail to get it (the toe nail has since grown). that under no circumstance would he let anybody else use it or hold it. but i didn't. trusting that atleast he'd be more careful with my things. if not with me.

but time has not forgotten our trespass. i had to end the demonstration. there are only so much one can teach another. on taking shots, focusing, playback...

we had to move back to our separate worlds. a wife was waiting impatiently at the door. and my moi was somewhere waiting for my reply to his question if i had lunch yet.