nostalgic dreadfulness

no. i will not. those crazy thoughts. what are they really? think again. you are a hoarder of memories. stop it.

weak. no, you are a flake. you want it back because someone else has it. what will you do if you get what you think is still yours?

remember that dream? where he got you tickets for a rocket ship across the universe. see those stars in your head now? galactic dust gathering at your wake.

let's talk about beer for a moment, ok? that trappist beer in Belgium. the chimay. sweet and fruity aroma with a hint of pepper. and did you hear about the chimay dorée, a patersbier- meant only to be drunk within the monastery walls.

those memories of yours are patersbiers. it violates a certain code of decorum- ethics even, i think; integrity at least- when you bring them out into the open. there are just things that are meant to be confined. in your case- tucked away in that corner of your brain where ice cream melted under the sun memories are kept, perhaps material for some future literary shit you'd manage to leave trailing at your wake. maybe.

are you ok now? good.

30

let's see:

• move out and live on my own: check
• swim in Mt. Pinatubo's crater lake: check
• drive and own a car: check
• head my own department: check
• wish in a temple in angkor wat: check

everything in my tick off list for my 20's seem childish to me now. i was thinking those were the things i needed to do to prove i knew how to truly live an emancipated life. but now, it seems like i've reached the top of something and i'm looking at a whole new geography- an era that will decide where i'd be at the end of my life and who would be there with me. and on the other side of this top view perspective- i see my past. a past i'm glad to leave behind. realities that are hazy at their best that only certain feelings remain. feelings that used to be details and real people, speech, touch, scents, kisses, colors - a different universe.

who was i in the previous decade of my life? and who would i want to be in the next? i could perhaps remember to be anything i want and everything i want to become at this point.