unholy hour of discontent- written almost a year ago

How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our future's wake
- Gin Blossoms


there i was at 10 pm walking to the parking lot, oblivious to the group of jeepney drivers eating hot noodles at makeshift karinderias that at night, would magically sprout like mushrooms out of nowhere.

there i was thinking, feeling that my life is on automatic mode- where everything passes me by too quickly. i shifted companies over one weekend, learned how to drive, broke hearts all over (for a lot of reasons), and i packed everthing i owned in the trunk of my car and moved in to my own place without ceremony- all in less than one year. so what's next for me? i don't know. it seems that everything is just happening to me. and i am careering downhill, upwards, all over- everywhere but where there is rest.

and then it came to me. next year would be the 10th anniversarry of my highschool batch graduation. most of my classmates are now married with kids. and have grown fat.

i still work until ten to 12 mn in the office. still hung up on certain tragedies. everyting passes me by except these. i have not really moved on.

i was told my father grew up washing jeepneys to earn money. i've never done anything that hard in my life.

and yet i struggle with discontent.

screams from the tracks

Hands suspended in resignation. Like a life left unlived. Standing too close to the passing train.Thoughts of people lingering. People who change in places out of their contexts. days running to their ends in unison. nighttime calls with grave delight.taillights weeping at the death of the night. the rage of the rain spilling into the gutters to be forgotten. but all things linger for a man with all the time in the world. the whitewashed walls of empires mock you. what can you possibly give that is not there?